THE IRREVERENT GUIDE THAT TAKES NO PRISONERS
From the 2007 BG Website:
The title says it all. This is the guy or gal – new to Buckarooing off a hog farm in Iowa, the corner of Hollywood and Vine or a miniature pony ranch in Baton Rouge – who can’t decide if he/she wants to be a combo of a Canadian half-breed and a Mexican logger who just discovered Tip’s Western Wear in Winnemucca, or a horseback Lupe Velez crossed with Dale Evans doing a poor impersonation of Ingrid Bergman in For Whom the Bell Tolls.
When a young – or in some instances, not so young - wannabe drives up to the T Lazy S in a red Toyota Prius with Minnesota, Alaska or Georgia plates, brace yourself. You can bet you are about to see, in the flesh, one of these types. Take notes, and if possible, pictures, and kindly forward to this author so as to further the study of this type and its eventual transformation into a bonafide Buckaroo. It is a long and painful process for most, more for some than others – and some - no, make that MOST - never quite make it.
There are telltale signs you've run into a Wannabe. You spot some guy in a flat hat with a 60" square lime green wild rag with black polka dots sipping Merlot at the Stray Dog - run for your life. You've found one. If perchance you venture a conversation with him, if he looks at you blank eyed when you drop names like Willis Packer, Stan Kendall, Ricky Morris, Bill Maupin, John Casey, Terry Riggs, Merlin Rupp, Les Iveson, Kent Craven, Jerry Souza, the Brackenbury brothers, Mark Dahl, Allie Bear, Brian and Clark Morris, Manuel Palamino, Wayne Tex or Roy Shannon, you can rest assured this is a newbie/wannabe/gunsel you're sitting next to.
But back to the ranch. Let's say you just got done moving drys and you're draggin' your ride off your horse when here comes a car ripping into the ranch driveway, brakes squealing, gravel flying. Oh yeah, the boss DID say some new hire was showing up today. Well lookee here. There they be.
Note as he or she steps out of his car, the shiny new black 19” topped lace up White’s Packers with Wranglers tucked inside them. Well, there goes half a morning just lacing those puppies up. If your grizzled cranky cow boss is one of those time management types sworn to present numbers and profits to some mining company big wig owners, beware the man who wears these tall time consuming brogans. If you are lucky, the new hire is a multi-tasker with a meth addiction and can possibly peel potatoes and change the cowboss’ newborn baby’s diapers with one hand while lacing up both boots with the other. Then comes the rig. A full double rigged – Eegads! The mother of all sins - modified Association tree - instant strike two - and yet he’s managed to wedge bucking rolls on it and wrap the 1 ½” diameter horn in his mother’s old nylon pantyhose; and there’s a rabbit’s foot and a little copper bell hanging off the cinch, so give him a half a point for trying.
he hat is usually the clincher. Right out of the box, black with a flat brim at least, and open crown. He looks like a fricking Mormon crossed with the Quaker Oats guy. He dares not crease it; God forbid it be the wrong crease; he is not sure what is haute vaquero yet, so indoctrinate him to the Telescope crease or just punch it in someplace for him, and meanwhile, be nice and find some tail hair on a nag to replace that rabbit’s foot.
Of course your wannabe has seen all those famous pictures by Allard and Markus of buckaroos like Tim "Scooter" McGinnis and TJ Symonds with suspenders on so he has some too. Only problem is his are bright red, lost on his equally bright red shirt which is almost obliterated by his new 13" long intricately carved wristcuffs.
This fashion faux pas cannot be tolerated - a quick run (there is no such thing but he'll learn that soon enough) into Elko is called for, as you and your fashion-savvy Jigger Boss hauls this newbie's ass into Anacabe's to pick up a load of white shirts - pressed with extra starch please, and yes, just put them on the ranch's tab - and a pair of black suspenders.
So while you're there, may as well hit the Mother of All Tack Stores: Capriola's. Of course, the fledgling Wannabe, Amex card in hand, makes a bee-line to the silver section and starts buying one of everything. Be warned: you may have a future Californio on your hands here; perhaps the Tejon is hiring?
This may call for a drink.
The advantage to hiring a Wannabe is that they are so eager to please and make it as a buckaroo, you can usually easily guilt trip them into paying your tab at the Stockmen's...perhaps...even Bill Maupin's tab....perhaps...even the grab dinner bill for Roger Fisher, Mikey Thomas, the Van Normans, a couple of off-duty Elko cops, Pete Tomera, the Sligar brothers, Dean Tobias, 3/4's of the Elko BLM staff and Sam Marvel, who all "just happen" to conveniently bump into you as dinner time approaches....and at this rate, you may be able to convince your Wannabe that all self respecting new hires ALWAYS front for a trip down the street to Sue's or Mona's. Yes, every dark cloud...has a silver lining....
noun US informal: An ancient term used in the 30's, but coming back in vogue on the west coast, meaning a little man carrying a gun - similar to flunky or a member of a posse. Also used in the West to describe buckaroo "wanna-be's"; i.e., posers, fakes, fashion plates posing as cowgirls. Typically the kind that drink Merlot, eat their Malto Meal without brown sugar, think a circle is a line you draw in the sand, glue fake flowers on their hats - you know, kind of like Barbie crossed with Sheila Varian. For them, Buckaroo is merely a lifestyle, a hobby, a new line of fashion...or way to get laid. And in some cases, a way to get fired by a good hand like Sam Marvel....
Below: Today's buckaroo. You can kiss masculinity goodbye. The Marlboro Man rolls in his grave...
Above: A female gunsel wannaroo. The "writer" who can't spell rosinjaw right. Ten years ago, Green King took aim at Gwenn Weaver and the Californios; now, it's gotten so bad out there that the target has disintegrated into a selfie taking, trampoline bouncing, delusional, self-described "desolate" housewife Jolyn Young and her canned from the Spanish Ranch "buckaroo" Owyhee Foretop wearing husband. Oh, joy. Bring back the Weavers...please...at least they could rope and ride, and Sam Marvel didn't have to fire them for incompetence... Below: Pam Two Face Ziemann of the Stabinbacknoguts Tribe....
I Was A Teenage Buckaroo by T.J. Symonds, as told to Kurt Markus in the Taylor Canyon Club, Tuscarora, NV, New Years Eve, 1981, published by The Western Horseman.
My Hat’s Flatter Than Yours! Buckaroo Turf Wars in the Great Basin by C.J. Hadley, 2001, Carson City, NV, published by Range Magazine.
Power Run to Elko by “Anonymous”; Reno, NV, 1992, self published.
Hold Rodears on $15.00 a Day: The Economical Rancher’s Bible to Getting the Most Out of Your Crew by Stanley Ellison and Willis Packer, Elko, NV, 1985, published by Simon & Schuster.
What Ever Happened to Pedro Marquez? Zero Magazine for Men, Spain, 2005
The Californio Mystique: Looking Good While Going Dead Broke by the Editors of British Vogue Magazine, 1993, London.
Get Tough or Die! Surviving Multiple Head Injuries Sustained by Riding Colts & Roughstock by Tom Marvel and Bill Kane, 1980, Battle Mountain, NV, published by Yale University.
Vanishing Booze: Buckaroos and Alcohol, an Artful Convergence by William Albert Allard, 1979, published by Jack Daniels & Sons, TN.
After Barbs are Fired: What To Do After Your Cowboss Cleans House by Waddie Mitchell, photos by Kurt Markus, 1987, Montello, NV
Crapping on the Great Basin Buckaroo: The Resurgence of The Californios by C.J. Hadley, 2005, published by Range Magazine, Carson City, NV
You Go To My Head: The Tim McGinnis Hat Collection by The Western Folklife Center, program to accompany the exhibit of 127 custom made cowboy hats belonging to Nevada Buckaroo Tim McGinnis, 2006, Elko, NV
Owyhee Foretop: How to Increase Internet Sales with One Photo of Your Husband’s Shaved Head, Jolyn “Trampoline” Young, Nevada Rancher, October, 2017
Study results by Science Applications International Corporation on the Co-relation between Stuffed Polar Bears and Acute Poetry Reciting Disorder (APRD), SAIC & the USDA, 2004, San Diego, CA.
Rope Anything, Anytime, Anywhere With a Serene Disregard for Consequences by Arnold Rojas and Brenda M. Negri, with a forward by the Dalai Lama and Notorious Big, 1981, published by Riata Press, Visalia, CA.
Let The Indian Sing! A Celebration and Analysis of Race Baiting, Cattle Rustling and Rez Pop Culture, Williams and Ree, Dennis Means, 2016, The Dodo Press
A Kitchen Apron Fucking a Hula Skirt in Santa Fe: How Squared Off Green Chinks and 15” Fringe Made Me Rich: A study in crass commercialism, sold out saddle makers and the new effeminate cowboy, by Dave Hack or Holl or Howdy, shit, who cares, Wall Street Journal, January 23, 2010
Going Both Ways: The Western Architecture of Sofia Marquez, Architectural Digest, December 2017
Facebook Buckaroo: How to Pass as a Cyber Cowboy, numerous authors, mostly anonymous or fake Facebook accounts, compiled by Jan Buckpasser, Troy Richardson; compiled by the Buckaroogirl Fan club, Daily Mail, UK, September 14, 2012
White King Wants You: a 65 year retrospective report of documented instances of “come on’s”, gropes, butt pinches and alleged winks from a supposedly long-dead, stuffed polar bear on the floor of the Commercial Hotel in Elko, Nevada, Harvey Weinstein, Sylvester Stallone, Kevin Spacey in conjunction with the Department of Justice, November 2017, pages 134-157
Riding Heels Facing Extinction: Clark’s Original Wallabe Chukka Boot drives Blucher, Paul Bond in to Chapter 11, Wall Street Journal, November 3, 2014
Cavvy Savvy: Ongoing somewhat illegal but funnier than shit social experiment placing low income, low self-esteem, predominately low-IQ young sex-starved females with a documented penchant for bad writing and jumping on kiddie trampolines in remote cow camps, recording their self-induced imaginary rants wherein they think they know the difference between "roping styles" of the North and the South and what constitutes "buckaroo style." Joint venture between Barbara Hartwell and her "CIA mind control survivors association", Huntington Memorial Hospital, Eclectic Horseman, Jolyn "Joke" Young, Matys Brothers Buckaroo Recovery Hospice in Beautiful Downtown Gerlach, Nevada, and TMZ magazine; in process. End results of this ongoing experiment will be posted here in 2019 assuming it's not shut down by the Humane Society first
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